SPILLING THE TEA
“Excuse me, are you pregnant?”
I turned to face an inquisitive, older woman as I waited in line at the Nordstrom E-bar for my iced green tea. “No,” I said, somewhat shocked, highly offended, and trying not to respond in as rude a manner as the posed question.
“My daughter is trying to get pregnant, so I notice later in life pregnancies.”
“No, I’m not pregnant,” I said again, obviously irritated. Wait, what? Later in life? Now I’m old and fat?
“Well, your dress is misleading,” she continued.
REALLY?! No apology? And you’re going to dress shame me now? I grabbed my tea, what was left of my deflated dignity, and shot the woman my best “are-you-for-real?” look and left the coffee shop. I was too stunned and ashamed even for tears.
Where do I even begin with this? I know I’m not the first woman that this has happened to, but I thought people knew better by now. You NEVER ask or insinuate that a woman is pregnant unless she’s announced it or you are delivering it! It can be an emotionally triggering comment on so many levels.
In my 15 years of working with women as a wardrobe stylist, I have met only one–ONE! —woman, who was completely happy and confident in her body, or at least who said so.I have been in hundreds of fittings with both celebrities and “normal” people, and trust me when I say, no one is completely happy with how they look. And it is breaking my heart.
Being a wardrobe stylist is 25% artist, 25% financial consultant, and 50% therapist. When I’m working with a client, part of my job is to help them see what’s possible for themselves. As I encourage my clients to define their style and try new things, my goal is always for them to finish their sessions feeling relieved (no more stressful mornings getting dressed!), excited, and confident. I believe that when your outside matches the potential of what you feel inside, you can reflect your fullest self back into the world. The problem is that often we don’t see ourselves as others see us. Why is that always so hard?
The world of fashion and image-making is full of myths. Working as a stylist for so long, I have unique insight into some of the lies society has told us. Forgive me if I sound a little like Oprah, but here’s what I’ve learned to be true when it comes to looking in the mirror.
We are drowning in a sea of images.
Here’s the thing about photo culture… it’s not really real. Taking a beautiful photo of yourself, someone, or something else is a sheer numbers game. When I’m on the set of a photo shoot, the photographer literally takes hundreds, sometimes thousands, of photos, of which maybe 10 will be selected for final media purposes. There is literally a crew of people working to make it all possible. Angles and lighting are EVERYTHING. You can actually learn what works for you, or you can leave it; just don’t buy into the “I-woke-up-like-this” hype.
2. We are too focused on our flaws.
Zoom out! Almost every person I work with has at least one body part that makes them self-conscious. Maybe it’s their arms, bum, or chin, and when they look in the mirror it’s all they see. That’s not how others see you! You are not just a neck! Be kinder to yourself. As a friend once said to me as I complained about my stomach, “Stop talking about my friend like that!” People see you as the whole person, especially those who love you.
3. You can find good style anywhere and at any price.
It’s about making the best choices. When I was a kid, I loved to look at catalogs and play “choose the best thing.” I’d page through the Service Merchandise or Sears Catalog and pick what I considered to be the most stylish piece from each page. I still love this game! Granted, I am a bigger fan of some brands than others, but I relish the challenge of finding a chic piece in an unexpected place. Don’t be intimidated to walk into a luxury boutique and don’t turn up your nose at a discount retailer. There are treasures everywhere!
4. We all need a media break.
When I was 30, I went through a terrible heartbreak in the midst of a bleak Chicago winter. There was no better salve than sunshine and island time, so I headed to visit a friend on the island of Eleuthera in the Bahamas. It was a stunning and uncommercialized island. No TV, no internet, no Walgreens on the corner, it was truly remote. As each day passed there, I cared less about what I looked like. Liberated from the pressure of makeup and a blow dryer, I wore a bikini unselfconsciously, let my hair air-dry, and focused on healing my broken heart and feeding my soul.
It wasn’t until my stateside return that I fully felt the impact of that freeing experience. Almost instantly after disembarking I was bombarded with ads offering longer lasting lipstick, glossier hair and bouncier boobs (thanks, Victoria’s Secret). These days we’re also confronted with social media expectations that add to the pressure. Take a media break. Take a walk. Pick up a real book! Anything to get you out of your head and back into your soul.
5. What’s flattering and what’s “fashion” isn’t always the same.
The word “flattering” has become a bit of a powder keg these days. Many influencers think you should wear what makes you happy and to hell with whether it’s flattering or not. Whether it’s a bold trend or something more classic, I agree you should wear what makes you feel happy and confident! That being said, it’s been my experience that the clients I work with want their clothes to complement their shape and style. Don’t fall into the trap that you have to try every trend. Learn how to interpret what styles and trends work for and not against your body.
6. It’s not about the number on the tag.
Current sizing is a mess and is at best a loose guideline of where to start when trying on clothes. A size 8 in one brand is a size 12 in another. Who cares? It’s not about the number, it’s about the fit! Our lives change and often our bodies change with it. You get a new job and are too busy to work out, you have a baby and it changes your shape, you go on vacation and overindulge, you get older and your metabolism crawls… and that’s ok! You can look amazing and feel confident no matter your size or shape. Wherever we’re going or whatever we’re doing, we must meet ourselves where we are with grace and compassion.
7. It’s a slow process, but fashion is becoming more inclusive.
Throughout history, just as in fashion, there have been trends in types of bodies. Thanks to body-positive influencers such as Katie Sturino, Ashley Graham, Lizzo and others, I’m hopeful that the “trend” of self-acceptance is here to stay. I’m encouraged to see that not only are there a growing number of designers offering extended sizing, but the images we see in the media are starting to reflect more of the diverse world around us. Whether it’s the color of your skin, the shape of your body, or your age, seeing yourself reflected in media and society matters.
I’m currently trying to find the balance between self-acceptance, striving for my fitness goals, and feeling confident in my body. I have good days and bad days. Would I love to lose 10 pounds? Yes, please! Do I want to eat salad for every meal? Nope. I’m learning to say thank you to compliments and offer grace to myself when I’m triggered, as I was that day in the coffee shop. I know I’m not ever going to be in my 29-year-old body again, but I’m going to do everything in my power to look good, because I know that makes me feel good. I also know that’s not everything I have to offer. And I know the same applies to you, too.